As a gay man living in the big city has a lot of advantages and disadvantages. So much men to choose from and all the more to have your heart broken at the same time, as I have found out from my experiences. Growing up as a gay child, I didn't know that relationships would be such a trouble. Surviving the Gen X era and moving on and living with the Gen XY, its even more confusing as ever. What is even more harder is being Asian and Gay at the same time. Talk about double standards for some of us asian gay men out there. But every generation has its fault and for me, I think it was not having the "proper" education of dating in a gay life is what I'm writing about now.
To give you an idea of what it was like for me, back when I was still naive and very twinkish, I use to fall for every white guy that use to buy me a drink at the bar and who would then take me home. I never understood that there was this thing called a one night stand and that the purpose of this ritual was to get your rocks off. That was all. Hence, how Gen XY has been able to finally give it an abbreviation (as they have done with every other commonly used words), NSA or No Strings Attached. I was that naive and when they gave me their phone number, only to figure out that they really didn't want anything else from me, aside from sex.
If I knew what I know now back then, I think I'd be a completely different individual that would have never had his heart broken so many times. But these are the lessons I had to learn from all the interactions I have had with my past real relationships and it has put the course of my life into perspective. If I want sex, I no longer have vague expections of what to expect when it comes to picking a guy up at the bar. But when it comes to dating someone, that's where I thought it was a losing battle and there people out there that should have their heads check as they can be quite cruel with their intentions. I never understood the transitiohn of what starts off as something beautiful and then ends up so messed up. Its even harder when you keep bouncing back to the same guy over and over and over again. Not only did I cause myself so much heartache but it was starting to show in my character. It wasn't until the very last night I had spent with my ex that I started to grow from all the crap I was dealing with. It made me realise that trying to live drama free is NOT possible but living a sane and happy life is.
Its a hard lesson and everyone will always have that drama, whether its from your family or your close friends. As I had mentioned before, the worst type of drama anyone has to go through is the one from your ex-boyfriends. I've had five ex's in my short life time and the relationships have lasted anywhere from one and half to five years. Its during those times that I have to grow up and learn that being in love and having to live with them are two different things or is it? We all know the honeymoon stage, where the world is perfect and beautiful. With your man calling or texting you, sending each other mushy emails and so forth can be quite intoxicating but what do you do after that fades and you end up moving in together? Now real relationship starts and this is where as an asain gay man, you have one of two options. One, stop, don't go pass go and do not collect your two hundred dollars or two, start letting go of traditional values that our parent's generation grew up with, all the soap opera drama and start living again.
Valentine's Day is around the corner and its the one holiday I can't stand being alone (aside from Christmas) but its a reality I must face and I know it will only get better in time. I just need to start growing up and accepting things for what they are and move on...
