Thursday, November 17, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Night time...
In the middle of the night, I listen to the rustling of leaves that fight Fall and hang onto the tree branches they grew from. I also hear the wind chimes from someone's balcony and I'm reminded that being alone isn't so bad.
Even though I miss the arms that use to hold me at nights, and would assure me until I fell asleep in his arms. I'm in good company of my two cats, who love me unconditionally and make no real demands. I can still smell his scent on his side of the bed but the cool night wind whisks it away, as if trying to help me forget and move on. In all honesty, I do miss him but I'm also okay and I'm healing and finally starting to move on with my life...
Even though I miss the arms that use to hold me at nights, and would assure me until I fell asleep in his arms. I'm in good company of my two cats, who love me unconditionally and make no real demands. I can still smell his scent on his side of the bed but the cool night wind whisks it away, as if trying to help me forget and move on. In all honesty, I do miss him but I'm also okay and I'm healing and finally starting to move on with my life...
Sunday, July 03, 2011
My life through beer goggles...
So, I find myself at the Fountainhead again and I'm seriously drunk. The same boyfriend that I complained about, still with him but HOPEFULLY, will finally be done with him by the end of the month.
My life is a drunken mess, I see life through beer goggles, take any scraps of gratitude and affection I can get when I can and it's fine. I stretch my resources and my sanity to the breaking point but still go through all the shit.
28 more days...
My life is a drunken mess, I see life through beer goggles, take any scraps of gratitude and affection I can get when I can and it's fine. I stretch my resources and my sanity to the breaking point but still go through all the shit.
28 more days...
Monday, June 13, 2011
True Love...
I think I'm starting to become cynical when it comes to being in love. I'm wondering if it's because of being older and having experiencing it twice in my lifetime. I know there are different kinds of love but what does one do when they're stuck in a relationship that won't go anywhere?
Love teaches many things, that I know and believe with my heart but can it teach you to finally let go of someone that truly doesn't deserve your love? There's no respect or a sense of gratitude or compassion that I feel with this guy? I seriously should have broken up with him ages ago.
The winds of change are blowing and I know I'll finally start listening to it's message...
Love teaches many things, that I know and believe with my heart but can it teach you to finally let go of someone that truly doesn't deserve your love? There's no respect or a sense of gratitude or compassion that I feel with this guy? I seriously should have broken up with him ages ago.
The winds of change are blowing and I know I'll finally start listening to it's message...
Friday, April 08, 2011
Lemons...
Why is it when life throws me lemons and I try to make lemonade but end up creating a diaster? When I think life is getting good and I'm finally on the right track with things, I just end up hurting myself and the others around me. And suffering from lack of self interest, bouts of depression and just not thinking clearly, that I really end up not knowing what to do with myself. Advice and love from my friends is great but at times it just not enough.
How is it that a grown man, such as myself, can be degraded to a such a state of instability? I often wonder why I make the choices I do and it bothers me that I can't move on from this hiatus that I have so self imposed onto myself. What is blocking me from growing and moving on with life? These are some of the questions that go through my head and heart, and when they both are asking the same question, that's where my procrastination of life starts and I let everything slip to a state that I feel I have no control.
I better start looking for a new recipe for lemons I guess...
How is it that a grown man, such as myself, can be degraded to a such a state of instability? I often wonder why I make the choices I do and it bothers me that I can't move on from this hiatus that I have so self imposed onto myself. What is blocking me from growing and moving on with life? These are some of the questions that go through my head and heart, and when they both are asking the same question, that's where my procrastination of life starts and I let everything slip to a state that I feel I have no control.
I better start looking for a new recipe for lemons I guess...
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Gay Asian Man's Guide to Love in the Big City...
As a gay man living in the big city has a lot of advantages and disadvantages. So much men to choose from and all the more to have your heart broken at the same time, as I have found out from my experiences. Growing up as a gay child, I didn't know that relationships would be such a trouble. Surviving the Gen X era and moving on and living with the Gen XY, its even more confusing as ever. What is even more harder is being Asian and Gay at the same time. Talk about double standards for some of us asian gay men out there. But every generation has its fault and for me, I think it was not having the "proper" education of dating in a gay life is what I'm writing about now.
To give you an idea of what it was like for me, back when I was still naive and very twinkish, I use to fall for every white guy that use to buy me a drink at the bar and who would then take me home. I never understood that there was this thing called a one night stand and that the purpose of this ritual was to get your rocks off. That was all. Hence, how Gen XY has been able to finally give it an abbreviation (as they have done with every other commonly used words), NSA or No Strings Attached. I was that naive and when they gave me their phone number, only to figure out that they really didn't want anything else from me, aside from sex.
If I knew what I know now back then, I think I'd be a completely different individual that would have never had his heart broken so many times. But these are the lessons I had to learn from all the interactions I have had with my past real relationships and it has put the course of my life into perspective. If I want sex, I no longer have vague expections of what to expect when it comes to picking a guy up at the bar. But when it comes to dating someone, that's where I thought it was a losing battle and there people out there that should have their heads check as they can be quite cruel with their intentions. I never understood the transitiohn of what starts off as something beautiful and then ends up so messed up. Its even harder when you keep bouncing back to the same guy over and over and over again. Not only did I cause myself so much heartache but it was starting to show in my character. It wasn't until the very last night I had spent with my ex that I started to grow from all the crap I was dealing with. It made me realise that trying to live drama free is NOT possible but living a sane and happy life is.
Its a hard lesson and everyone will always have that drama, whether its from your family or your close friends. As I had mentioned before, the worst type of drama anyone has to go through is the one from your ex-boyfriends. I've had five ex's in my short life time and the relationships have lasted anywhere from one and half to five years. Its during those times that I have to grow up and learn that being in love and having to live with them are two different things or is it? We all know the honeymoon stage, where the world is perfect and beautiful. With your man calling or texting you, sending each other mushy emails and so forth can be quite intoxicating but what do you do after that fades and you end up moving in together? Now real relationship starts and this is where as an asain gay man, you have one of two options. One, stop, don't go pass go and do not collect your two hundred dollars or two, start letting go of traditional values that our parent's generation grew up with, all the soap opera drama and start living again.
Valentine's Day is around the corner and its the one holiday I can't stand being alone (aside from Christmas) but its a reality I must face and I know it will only get better in time. I just need to start growing up and accepting things for what they are and move on...
To give you an idea of what it was like for me, back when I was still naive and very twinkish, I use to fall for every white guy that use to buy me a drink at the bar and who would then take me home. I never understood that there was this thing called a one night stand and that the purpose of this ritual was to get your rocks off. That was all. Hence, how Gen XY has been able to finally give it an abbreviation (as they have done with every other commonly used words), NSA or No Strings Attached. I was that naive and when they gave me their phone number, only to figure out that they really didn't want anything else from me, aside from sex.
If I knew what I know now back then, I think I'd be a completely different individual that would have never had his heart broken so many times. But these are the lessons I had to learn from all the interactions I have had with my past real relationships and it has put the course of my life into perspective. If I want sex, I no longer have vague expections of what to expect when it comes to picking a guy up at the bar. But when it comes to dating someone, that's where I thought it was a losing battle and there people out there that should have their heads check as they can be quite cruel with their intentions. I never understood the transitiohn of what starts off as something beautiful and then ends up so messed up. Its even harder when you keep bouncing back to the same guy over and over and over again. Not only did I cause myself so much heartache but it was starting to show in my character. It wasn't until the very last night I had spent with my ex that I started to grow from all the crap I was dealing with. It made me realise that trying to live drama free is NOT possible but living a sane and happy life is.
Its a hard lesson and everyone will always have that drama, whether its from your family or your close friends. As I had mentioned before, the worst type of drama anyone has to go through is the one from your ex-boyfriends. I've had five ex's in my short life time and the relationships have lasted anywhere from one and half to five years. Its during those times that I have to grow up and learn that being in love and having to live with them are two different things or is it? We all know the honeymoon stage, where the world is perfect and beautiful. With your man calling or texting you, sending each other mushy emails and so forth can be quite intoxicating but what do you do after that fades and you end up moving in together? Now real relationship starts and this is where as an asain gay man, you have one of two options. One, stop, don't go pass go and do not collect your two hundred dollars or two, start letting go of traditional values that our parent's generation grew up with, all the soap opera drama and start living again.
Valentine's Day is around the corner and its the one holiday I can't stand being alone (aside from Christmas) but its a reality I must face and I know it will only get better in time. I just need to start growing up and accepting things for what they are and move on...
Sunday, January 16, 2011
New Year
The new year has come upon me with sone great changes in my life. First & foremost, I'm single (for real this time), as my ex finally moved out.
I seriously don't want to go through that again with anyone... But I'll be occupying my time with a new job & a fresh start on life... I'm a little sad but not regretting my choice of breaking up with him as he had to go.
I look forward to what thus new year will bring... Just no more drama please & thank you...! LOL
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