Gay Asian Man's Guide to Love in the Big City...

As a gay man living in the big city has a lot of advantages and disadvantages. So much men to choose from and all the more to have your heart broken at the same time, as I have found out from my experiences. Growing up as a gay child, I didn't know that relationships would be such a trouble. Surviving the Gen X era and moving on and living with the Gen XY, its even more confusing as ever. What is even more harder is being Asian and Gay at the same time. Talk about double standards for some of us asian gay men out there. But every generation has its fault and for me, I think it was not having the "proper" education of dating in a gay life is what I'm writing about now.

To give you an idea of what it was like for me, back when I was still naive and very twinkish, I use to fall for every white guy that use to buy me a drink at the bar and who would then take me home. I never understood that there was this thing called a one night stand and that the purpose of this ritual was to get your rocks off. That was all. Hence, how Gen XY has been able to finally give it an abbreviation (as they have done with every other commonly used words), NSA or No Strings Attached. I was that naive and when they gave me their phone number, only to figure out that they really didn't want anything else from me, aside from sex.

If I knew what I know now back then, I think I'd be a completely different individual that would have never had his heart broken so many times. But these are the lessons I had to learn from all the interactions I have had with my past real relationships and it has put the course of my life into perspective. If I want sex, I no longer have vague expections of what to expect when it comes to picking a guy up at the bar. But when it comes to dating someone, that's where I thought it was a losing battle and there people out there that should have their heads check as they can be quite cruel with their intentions. I never understood the transitiohn of what starts off as something beautiful and then ends up so messed up. Its even harder when you keep bouncing back to the same guy over and over and over again. Not only did I cause myself so much heartache but it was starting to show in my character. It wasn't until the very last night I had spent with my ex that I started to grow from all the crap I was dealing with. It made me realise that trying to live drama free is NOT possible but living a sane and happy life is.

Its a hard lesson and everyone will always have that drama, whether its from your family or your close friends. As I had mentioned before, the worst type of drama anyone has to go through is the one from your ex-boyfriends. I've had five ex's in my short life time and the relationships have lasted anywhere from one and half to five years. Its during those times that I have to grow up and learn that being in love and having to live with them are two different things or is it? We all know the honeymoon stage, where the world is perfect and beautiful. With your man calling or texting you, sending each other mushy emails and so forth can be quite intoxicating but what do you do after that fades and you end up moving in together? Now real relationship starts and this is where as an asain gay man, you have one of two options. One, stop, don't go pass go and do not collect your two hundred dollars or two, start letting go of traditional values that our parent's generation grew up with, all the soap opera drama and start living again.

Valentine's Day is around the corner and its the one holiday I can't stand being alone (aside from Christmas) but its a reality I must face and I know it will only get better in time. I just need to start growing up and accepting things for what they are and move on...

New Year

The new year has come upon me with sone great changes in my life. First & foremost, I'm single (for real this time), as my ex finally moved out. I seriously don't want to go through that again with anyone... But I'll be occupying my time with a new job & a fresh start on life... I'm a little sad but not regretting my choice of breaking up with him as he had to go. I look forward to what thus new year will bring... Just no more drama please & thank you...! LOL

I keep weird hours...

Well, its 2AM and I'm writing yet again at the witching hour (well, two hours LATER but hey, I'm not really good with time sometimes... LOL). I guess its true that I'm a night owl at heart and that the most creative and productive time for me to do any of my writing is at this hour. I have a dead line next month to finish my book. I can no longer deny this novel, as I've been putting it off, re-writing it over and over and over again... I created a screen play, a novella and yet it still is not complete in my eyes! FML... LOL With all the job hunting I'm doing, working on my personal life and not knowing what the day will bring, its hard. My current boyfriend (yes, we're back on again... =P) and I have had our share of ups and downs this year. Its been very taxing to say the least but hey, we're still together and working things out. He made a sacrfice for both of us of finding his bird of 17 years a new home. George was a funny character, very needy and could jealous easily but he did manage to find a new home for him. We both hope that he will be happy in his new home and we've both noticed the change in the home environment, as neither of us is really stessed out any more. George was a handful (literaly). You know, I just looked back at my previous posts and noticed that I keep weird hours... Needless to say, I'm a night owl! Holy late nights Bat Man! This was due to my previous job, where I worked really late afternoon/ evening shifts. I missed that job, it was a really good fit for me. I'm now in the scrambling to looking for a new full time job. My EI runs out in January and I'm hoping I'll have something lined up by then. Jay Brannan was in Vancouver to do a concert and I totally missed it.. *pouts* I knew he was coming but I totally forgot to look up when (duh, and I'm a fan on his FB page... FML). He's someone I'd love to see in concert, as he holds them in small venues. He's got an awesome voice and cute to boot! LOL =D Well, I should check my FB and Twitter and see what's up there before opening up a new note pad and try re-writing the story that has yet to be told... Peace and good night, Ronn

Jay Brannan - "Can't Have It All " (clean version) [Music Video]

Hurt again...

Listening to the song, "Can't have it all" by Jay Brannan had suammarized my life to its totality. I've just ended another relationship that had lasted a year. I met him by chance and it was wonderful for a while there but he and I are in different points in our lives. I want a lover, a best friend to share my life with... He's just coming out and wanting to taste all the different flavours out there. I can relate and understand and wish him all the best due to knowing that I've been there myself when I was coming out and learning about my sexuality.

If you listen to the lyrics to my previous Youtube post, I think you'll understand where I'm coming from. Its hard to imagine that love can be so fickle. I said something to him that I know I can't take back. But that's my nature, no excuses on my part. I'm a wordsmith, I know how to use my tongue to my advantage, especially when hurt.

It amazes me that the words I use and how I can manipulate them to hurt someone, especially to someone that I know and still love but when it comes to understanding the relationships of love and hate, there is a fine line between the two when one can be easily lost... That's what happened to me, he hurt me so much one night and I didn't understand how much my anger and hate can consume me in such a way that I let it all out. In doing so, I was weak with pain and hurt but also felt relief as all the things that he wouldn't listen to when I tried speaking to him normally, was forced and worded in a way that it literally destroyed his ego.

Or so I thought, his ego is so big, I only made a small dent in it. Go fig... Well, he'll be moved out by the end of the month. He's got a new boy on the side already by the looks of it. I wish all the best (literally), I'm usually not an angry person and I don't hold grudges (for too long and depending on the slight... LOL). I just hope he grows up, he's 49, almost 50 for fsakes... =P

FML...

It's 3am & I'm wide awake, tossing & turning in bed. I can't get him out of my mind but the part of me that wants to let go is being overshadowed by the part of me that dosen't want to let go...

I had some Chamomile tea, hopefully it'll help me fall asleep, as I need to wake up in 3 hours for work... FML... LOL

I still love you but know I have to let you go....

New Career?

Well, my life has been for the better of late. I've not written in while but hey, I'm a busy guy! LOL I've recently got hired at the yoga studio that I've been volunteering at and I'm looking into getting becoming a yogi (yoga instructor). I've also taken the 39 day challenge and I'm day 24... My body maybe a tad sore but its been worth it! I'm totally seeing the results that I'm getting from partaking in the classes.

As for everything else, still working on my book and I've given myself till the end of the year to finish it. I'm also considering going back to school but I'll have to research as to what I can take and what will be funded by the government. =D

More later, as I need to finish up my shift at work...

Sunday morning...

I'm in bed and I'm watching Chris fall asleep & it's so sweet. We've been together for about 3 months and it's wonderful.

I'm staying the night at his place & I can hear the creek outside rushing by, lulling me into relaxation. The gentle breathing of Chris is the only other sound that punctuates the night's atmosphere...

Time to go to bed... More tomorrow...

xxoo
Ronn

Read up on my article! =D

My article is up, time to work on the other one...!

Check it out here: http://www.homorazzi.com/article/straight-bars-friends-drinking-night-blarney-stone-vancouver/

Welcome Summer!

Well, it's been a while since I've written anything & I've been quite busy, with traveling, work and wondering what the hell I'm going to do after my work lets me go.

To catch up, I went with friends to Toronto for Pride. It was great seeing old friends and making new ones! I had never partied like that before in a long time! Spent a lot of money but it was worth it.

The following week, I had traveled to Salt Lake City, UT for work. I was there for an additional two weeks. Between work, I managed to do quite a bit of sightseeing. Went to National Canyon Park, The Delicate Arches, Moab and Helper to name a few places I visited.

The dry summer heat in Utah gave me a cinnamon tan like I've not had in years! It really brings out the red blonde highlights I got done while I was down there. Everyone in Utah is either tall, blonde, blue eyed or Latino.

Morning...

Thursday morning & I'm off to the dentist, yay... I'm so enthused, can you tell? LOL And I'm listening to "Lollipop" by Big Bang & 2NE1. They're a K-pop boy & girl band. Really good tunes!

At this time tomorrow, I'll be on a plane to. Tdot! Can't wait, as I get to see my buds & party w/ LOTS of gorgeous men!!! Oh & all my running/ weight training has paid off! =D

A while...

I know it's only been a week or so since I last wrote an entry but it feels like forever. If anything, I've been busy with work (go fig LOL) & getting ready for my upcoming trip to Tdot this weekend. =D

I've been running and hitting the gym these past few weeks and I'm down to 141 lbs!! Woot! I've also had to get some stuff for the cats & some new shirts as my current wardrobe is in dire need of an re-assessment. LOL

Oh & I love networking! I've made a few connection for my trip & can't wait to meet them. Tunnel is coming.... Time to send... More later!

4am...

It's 4am and I'm wide awake, considering I went to bed @ 1am and have set my alarm for 9am to do my workout before heading into work early today. And just when I think I have my shit together, life throws me a curve ball from out of no where...

The curve ball revolves around my ex who I thought I was over with. He's become friends with a lot of people that I work with & news has come to me that he's asked one of them out. Weird thing is I'm really good friends with the person he's asked out & the same friend just recently broke up with his bf.

The same friend came to me when he broke up his bf a few weeks ago & I was his sound board and offered advice when asked. He was my soundboard when I was going through my break up last year with the ex. When he told me about my ex adding him to FB and then sending him a message to go out for coffee or something (LOL), my heart started to race & literally jumped out of my throat. I could feel & hear the blood rushing to my head, feeling lightheaded and overwhelmed by emotions that I had thought I was done feeling.

But I guess not... FML... *sigh*

My friend said I need closure. This is a friend that didn't really socialise with the same group of friends that I always hang out with but we always managed to find some time to hang out or shoot the shit when time allowed us to. Regardless, it was refreshing to hear different advice from someone that wasn't going to sugar coat the pain that I was/ am feeling.

You see, my ex last year made it clear that he no longer felt anything for me and that physically, I was repulsive (he didn't say it to my face but I can see it in his eyes and the way he behaved around me AFTER the break up). So, I vowed right then and there to NEVER ever go down the path of Sloth ever again and two, NEVER ever have another person treat or make me feel that way EVER again. But some feelings don't just go away, regardless how one part of you wants to lash out. Which, I know I can and I'm really good at it too but that's just being so childish and stupid.

The other thing that I think is coincidental is that these past 6 months, I've been having at least one dream of my ex. Mostly reliving the fun times we had during the early part of our relationship. There's one dream that takes place in a San Mateo, in this desert camping ground we had stayed at. The sun was really hot and at night, we made our way to the lake and laid down on a huge boulder that was radiating heat. We looked up and saw the night sky unfold all its glory on us and he said to me that night, "This is the most perfect night, I don't want it to end" and he held me close and we made out on that rock. And then I wake up... LOL

Another day @ the grind!

Well Sunday is my Monday. Had a great weekend hanging out w/ my friends and making new ones! I even got some and learned some new tricks! LOL

I'm going to hit the gym regularly fir the next two weeks as I'm going to TO for their Pride w/ my friends. I've got a few new outfits for the summer. I'm going to ask my friend Sean to do a photo shoot to show off the new me!

Friday! Yeah!

Well, considering I drank like 5 beers & 1 shot of something last nite, I'm doing well, this early afternoon. I got to see my lesbian friend Annie, met my FB buddy Chad & his bf & his friends from Seattle, my friend Gerry (who I had a shot with) & lastly but not the least, my mom Mae.

Overall, it was a great night, I got to dance with a gaggle of lesbians, get ogled by a bunch of twinks AND I got to chat up with the stripper @ the pizza joint. We discussed his performance last night & his crotch rocket (motor bike, u dirty minded ho's).

Now, I'm at the clinic waiting for my turn to get my monthly test...

What a year... So far...

This has been a most interesting, I must say. It seems like everyone I know is breaking up & are as restless as I am.

Mind you, I'm kind of enjoying this, as I have an alterer motive for wanting to write about it. So many are changing their lives, taking different directions & evolving into new phases in their lives.

As for me, I'm still learning new ways to enjoy my life. I forgot that everyone has a story & sometimes, it's worth listening to. Life is funny that way, just the old saying: "Stop and smell the roses"...

Bored!! Ugh!!

On my lunch, restless, don't want to read my book, not really hungry & lots on the brain... Loving the new vibes from DJ Big Kid though!

*sigh*

Meh... =D

K, wearing jeans cuz it looked cold out, or it was from my balcony. Haven't properly cooled down & I'm sweating... Ugh! LOL

Blogging, therapeutic =D

I find myself turning on my iPhone on my long commutes and writing a blog entry whenever I can using my blog app. It's late at night in Vancouver and that's when all the interesting people come out.

It's like they hide from the warmth of the sun's rays and stir only after the heat from the concrete start to dissipates into the night air. The night shines with it's beauty and I can see why these individuals wait.

Even on a Sunday night, the city is full of life. The can/ trash "civil engineers", the city's unpaid cleaners are working and making a meager income from the day people's trash. They run around in their make shift transportation (mostly shopping carts from Safeway), which is covered with plastic bags full of their night's collection. Which they will turn in the morning for change to buy their breakfast or booze.

There is a look of determination in their eyes not to be begging on the streets but to try to make some kind of living from a city that has (in their eyes) turned its back on them. Most of them are out on the streets by their own choice but there are others that are there out of desperation. Their stories are written on their dark brown sun tanned skins, the dirt creasing their faces and the limp matted hair speaks of a hard life.

It's these people that I love watching from the corner of my eye. I walk by a late night Japanese grocery store on my way home every night and lately there has been this young man, who is out on the streets reading his book under the fluorescent glare from the shop's store front. I bought him a sandwich and a pop, as he looked like he's not eaten in days. I think tomorrow, when I walk by him again (and if he's there), it will be a good day to quit smoking and give him the rest of my smokes.

Looking for Inspiration with changes

There are a lot of things I've changed about my life. One was being physically happy, which I accomplished. Another is writing more often, which I'm also doing.

I think the next project to tackle on I'd my attitude towards life. I think that life has a lot to offer & I should go out there and experience it. My first steps towards this is to keep traveling. My Europe trip was awesome! Aside from my planned Mexican cruise, I want to go to India or Bali and explore there.

So many places I want to see and visit, just have to find the time now... LOL ^^

If you are reading this, post a comment on a city that you think I can get some inspiration from! =D