Hurt again...

Listening to the song, "Can't have it all" by Jay Brannan had suammarized my life to its totality. I've just ended another relationship that had lasted a year. I met him by chance and it was wonderful for a while there but he and I are in different points in our lives. I want a lover, a best friend to share my life with... He's just coming out and wanting to taste all the different flavours out there. I can relate and understand and wish him all the best due to knowing that I've been there myself when I was coming out and learning about my sexuality.

If you listen to the lyrics to my previous Youtube post, I think you'll understand where I'm coming from. Its hard to imagine that love can be so fickle. I said something to him that I know I can't take back. But that's my nature, no excuses on my part. I'm a wordsmith, I know how to use my tongue to my advantage, especially when hurt.

It amazes me that the words I use and how I can manipulate them to hurt someone, especially to someone that I know and still love but when it comes to understanding the relationships of love and hate, there is a fine line between the two when one can be easily lost... That's what happened to me, he hurt me so much one night and I didn't understand how much my anger and hate can consume me in such a way that I let it all out. In doing so, I was weak with pain and hurt but also felt relief as all the things that he wouldn't listen to when I tried speaking to him normally, was forced and worded in a way that it literally destroyed his ego.

Or so I thought, his ego is so big, I only made a small dent in it. Go fig... Well, he'll be moved out by the end of the month. He's got a new boy on the side already by the looks of it. I wish all the best (literally), I'm usually not an angry person and I don't hold grudges (for too long and depending on the slight... LOL). I just hope he grows up, he's 49, almost 50 for fsakes... =P

4am...

It's 4am and I'm wide awake, considering I went to bed @ 1am and have set my alarm for 9am to do my workout before heading into work early today. And just when I think I have my shit together, life throws me a curve ball from out of no where...

The curve ball revolves around my ex who I thought I was over with. He's become friends with a lot of people that I work with & news has come to me that he's asked one of them out. Weird thing is I'm really good friends with the person he's asked out & the same friend just recently broke up with his bf.

The same friend came to me when he broke up his bf a few weeks ago & I was his sound board and offered advice when asked. He was my soundboard when I was going through my break up last year with the ex. When he told me about my ex adding him to FB and then sending him a message to go out for coffee or something (LOL), my heart started to race & literally jumped out of my throat. I could feel & hear the blood rushing to my head, feeling lightheaded and overwhelmed by emotions that I had thought I was done feeling.

But I guess not... FML... *sigh*

My friend said I need closure. This is a friend that didn't really socialise with the same group of friends that I always hang out with but we always managed to find some time to hang out or shoot the shit when time allowed us to. Regardless, it was refreshing to hear different advice from someone that wasn't going to sugar coat the pain that I was/ am feeling.

You see, my ex last year made it clear that he no longer felt anything for me and that physically, I was repulsive (he didn't say it to my face but I can see it in his eyes and the way he behaved around me AFTER the break up). So, I vowed right then and there to NEVER ever go down the path of Sloth ever again and two, NEVER ever have another person treat or make me feel that way EVER again. But some feelings don't just go away, regardless how one part of you wants to lash out. Which, I know I can and I'm really good at it too but that's just being so childish and stupid.

The other thing that I think is coincidental is that these past 6 months, I've been having at least one dream of my ex. Mostly reliving the fun times we had during the early part of our relationship. There's one dream that takes place in a San Mateo, in this desert camping ground we had stayed at. The sun was really hot and at night, we made our way to the lake and laid down on a huge boulder that was radiating heat. We looked up and saw the night sky unfold all its glory on us and he said to me that night, "This is the most perfect night, I don't want it to end" and he held me close and we made out on that rock. And then I wake up... LOL